I have mixed emotions every year during the first few days of January. It’s not that I want Christmas to last forever, but I love the excitement, the anticipation, and the joy that December brings. I have always gotten a little sad when something I look forward to is over. On the way home from vacations, for example, I always get this sense of disappointment, it’s just over, that was it, back to the real world now. That’s probably why my husband says I am always trying to plan our next trip as soon as we get back from one. I just want something else to look forward to.
So when the holidays are over and January begins, I guess I just want something new to look forward to. So I turn to the new year, as most of us do, and I decide what I want it to look like. I can usually find some things to get pretty excited about, and the anticipation of all that I am going to do that year brings an eagerness to move forward again.
But this year it’s different. You see, it’s always just been me. I was in control (for the most part) of accomplishing my goals or not. As long as I could get myself motivated, then that was all there was to it. But it’s January 2nd, and I didn’t get a full night of sleep last night. In fact I haven’t had a full night of sleep since September 20. I have a 3 month old, and as I have been telling Zach, it’s his (Maverick’s) world, we are just living in it.
So I sit here, with the anticipation of a new year with my baby boy, but with the heaviness of knowing that it’s going to be hard. We will have many firsts this year, some good and some not so good, I’m sure. As exciting as it will be to watch my son during his year first full year of life, I can’t help but wonder how I will do it all. How do I accomplish my own goals without a good night’s rest? How can I get all of the things done that I so badly want to do when his needs always come first? How do I do it all if I am just really tired? Heck, how do I accomplish much of anything other than just taking care of this baby? That is never something I have had to think about before when planning for a new year. I don’t have the answers to these questions. I do know that when I look back at the past 3 months I feel like I have accomplished more than I ever thought I could. So many times in the middle of the night, I have found myself singing the song “I need you, oh I need you, every hour I need you.” Oh how true it is.
The Lord has been my strength when I wasn’t sure how I could do it. You see, no one really teaches you how to be a mom. You can have good examples, but it’s really just something you have to experience to learn. I certainly didn’t think it would be easy or come naturally. I was never really the babysitting type, babies in general have never really been my thing. But God does something to your heart when you have a child. There is no way to explain it. All the hard things, all the lack of sleep, all of the after effects of childbirth, you just bare them. If I would have known six months ago all that I would go through as a mom just in the first 3 months, I would have wondered how in the world I would do it. I would have probably thought that there was no way that I could get through it. But I did.
So I guess that is my answer for now for this new year. I don’t have to do it all or do it perfectly, but with the Lord as my strength I can do the things He is calling me to. I can keep going even though it will be hard. I may not “do it all,” but I will take baby steps (no pun intended) in the direction of the things that God is nudging me towards, because I am a mom now. And moms can do really hard things. We can actually do lots of hard things at once, with very little sleep. I am learning this about moms. I admire them more than ever, I actually feel pretty honored to be part of this mom club.
And so it begins, 2015. And it’s not just me this time, and I think in some way I’ll be better because of that this year. And when I think I can’t do it, I will look back on what I have done so far, and I will be reminded how I need Him and that, oh yes, I certainly can do it.
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